


Everything was going well until the angel called me clever.

by sweetNsimple



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, BAMF Aziraphale (Good Omens), Garden of Eden, Heaven Does Not Want Armageddon, Hell Does Want Armageddon, Jophiel (Cherub), M/M, Manipulative Aziraphale, Manipulative Crowley, Porn With Plot, Soft Crowley (Good Omens), conflict of interest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 08:59:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetNsimple/pseuds/sweetNsimple
Summary: After the War that differentiated demons from angels, Hell sent a proposal to Heaven requesting that an Armageddon be scheduled for six thousand years in the future.  Heaven sent the proposal back with a large red stamp of DENIED on it.  Wanting to keep the peace forever, Heaven was - excuse the language - hellbent on keeping Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and away from troublesome demons that might tempt them to eat from the Tree of Knowledge.Cue Crawly.  The lowly demon was convinced that he could sweet talk his way right through the Eastern Gate and anyone who defended it.Crawly had not properly anticipated his opposition.





	Everything was going well until the angel called me clever.

For thousands of years, the Heavenly Host worked side by side with God in creating the ever-expanding Universe, forming galaxies from dust and planets within those galaxies. Seeds of life were scattered about, and suns were lit to stabilize solar systems. Black holes appeared because some angels were much more easily upset than their brethren and perhaps punched a few holes through the fabric of space and time when star clusters revealed themselves to be particularly tetchy and cannibalistic. 

In this time, there were no demons. There was no Hell. Angels walked hand in hand and dallied through the cosmos, as casual as humans would one day relax in a scenic park. For a moment in time, everything was absolutely perfect, and nothing hurt.

And then that moment passed.

No one could say what happened. The memory of the event was stolen from everyone. The next thing anyone was aware of was that a third of their angelic brethren had Fallen into a very gloomy place called Hell and God said they had been sent there for asking too many questions. Samael, also known as Lucifer and Morningstar, had led a rebellion when God had not had the answers they wanted to hear. 

The angels wept, though they were not sure why. Their loved ones and closest companions had been amongst those now known as demons, but the existence of them had been painted over. Take for instance the archangel Michael, who felt that they were half a being and, no matter how hard they tried, only recalled a black smudge that must have been their eternal partner. Michael had not a clue that this had once been Samael and that they had been deeply in love and entangled with one another. 

It was the same for the demons in Hell. Samael recalled a similar black smudge and was mostly convinced that God was hiding the identity of the angel who had betrayed Samael so that they would not seek vengeance. 

Both sides were shaken and angry and felt horribly betrayed. God said there had been a Revolution, a _war_ , and no one knew better to dispute it.

Earth was formed and Hell put forth a proposal to Heaven writing out a detailed, six thousand year-long plan to start a second war between Heaven and Hell called “Armageddon”. The purpose, as abridged from the proposal, was to try the whole thing over again and this time be able to remember what in God’s name had occurred.

Heaven read over the proposal, pulled out a large rubber stamp, and smacked the title page with a bright red DENIED. 

Hell received the proposal back and decided that that wasn’t good enough. They were determined to have another war, what Heaven wanted be Damned. _Twice_. 

“Go up there and make some trouble,” Lucifer told Crawly, a roughly snake-shaped demon. “Get Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. It’s the only way to have our Armageddon. Do you understand?”

Crawly nodded. “Yes, Master.” And he slithered away.

~::~

A cherub stood at the Eastern Gate, wielding a flaming sword. She swung it at Crawly when she saw his scales through the sand.

“Oh, please!” Crawly wailed. “Have mercy on me. I’m not much, you see? Hardly a full-fledged demon at all.” 

She leaned on the hilt of her sword. “That’s true enough. You’re not much of anything, are you? Hideous to look at, that’s for sure.”

“Absolutely horrid,” Crawly agreed, raising his head to be eyelevel with the cherub. “Oh, but look at _you_. You know, I get that the human look is a new thing, but you carry it well.”

The angel preened under the praise. Her immense white wings flared out to frame her Heaven-issued body. “It’s _something_ , at the least, for being a meat suit. It’s rather squishy. _Really_ tight-fitting.”

“And yet it looks like it fits you just right…?”

“Jophiel.” 

“Crawly, at your service. You’re radiant, my fair cherub. God Herself must have kissed you.”

“She _did_ , actually.” Jophiel was near blushing now. 

“I can see why! Oh, well, now I understand why you were posted here.”

“It was a great honor, given to me by Uriel herself.”

“I thought so.” There was a hint of pity in the snake’s voice.

Jophiel frowned. “What is that supposed to mean? It _is_ an honor.”

“Is it, though?” Crawly asked. He looked from one edge of the desert to the other. “Is it _really_? Or was Uriel just trying to get you out of Heaven? Between you and me, Uriel has always been a bit, well, y’know… _Proud_ of her looks.” Crawly had no basis for this assumption. He had no idea who Uriel was. 

Jophiel pursed her lips. “She _is_ ,” she agreed, and glowered skyward.

“Maybe I’m wrong,” Crawly beseeched. “I’m sure God Herself told Uriel to tell you to come stand on this dirty rock and make sure two brainless apes don’t get out of their cage for the rest of eternity with no hope of a guard change.” 

“It _is_ a dirty rock.” Jophiel scowled at the dunes. Her robes remained blindingly white despite sand flying everywhere, though it was obviously a conscious effort on her part. “And they _are_ brainless. All they do is shove their meat suits at each other, yell, eat, and then sleep. Every day!”

Crawly shook his head sadly. “And you have to stand here, _every day_ , and listen to all that noise? I hope they’re paying you a lot.”

“No. It’s standard pay for cherubim.”

“No.”

“It is.”

“ _Really_?”

Jophiel scoffed. “I can’t believe I have to stand on this dull rock just because Uriel’s jealous of my face.”

“You should put in a complaint to Head Office, say she’s abusing her station.” Crawly flicked his tail at her in the same way people with two hands would make a “Go on with you, shoo” gesture. “Open up a line right now and let her have it.”

“Communication only goes one way,” Jophiel snarled, livid. “ _They_ can talk to me whenever they like, but I can’t do the same. I’m sure it’s all Uriel’s design.”

“She’s awful like that, isn’t she?”

“She truly is!”

“Ah, well… At least I have something beautiful to admire,” Crawly crooned. “Even we demons appreciate fine art. So nice of Uriel to put you here where we impure beings can get a glance at you from time to time.” He slithered away and let her simmer in the injustice.

From where Crawly had buried himself in the sand, he saw when Jophiel worked herself up into a real snit and flew off to Heaven to complain directly to Head Office.

Cackling, Crawly slithered his way up the Eastern Gate. As his head came over the top of the wall, he encountered toes.

A whole ten of them.

He tasted the air with his forked tongue and it reeked of righteous fury.

“Do you know what you’ve done, demon?” said the archangel standing over him.

“Ah, Uriel,” he guessed. “You really are ethereal. Did you take advantage of the situation I set up for you?”

Uriel glared down at him. “I don’t know what you mean, unless you are talking about tempting a cherub to abandon her post so she can scream at me that she’s prettier.”

“Yes. It showed how immature she was, didn’t it? Not ready for such an honor as this, guarding the last of God’s Creations, the beautiful and incomparable Garden of Eden. It must have really _burned_ when God told you to give Jophiel this post, didn’t it?”

The archangel crossed her arms. “It is not my place to question God’s choices.”

“Of course, of course! I know all about that – wouldn’t be a demon otherwise, would I? But, then again… Maybe that’s _why_ I’m a demon. Maybe I was Jophiel’s test. After all, I was only talking about how your beauty was greater than hers and off she flew. That’s a sin, I think.”

“It’s Pride,” Uriel told him. 

“ _Pride_ ,” Crawly hissed, “got her in the end. Now you’re where you rightfully belong, aren’t you?” Uriel looked off into the distance, her kingdom an entire planet and her purpose the Garden she guarded. “I am,” she agreed. She looked down at the snake. “And you’re not. You don’t belong here, demon. You won’t tempt _me_.”

“I can tell when I’ve been beaten. You’re too strong for me, that’s sure. The only archangel I know is Satan himself and he’s not so much an _arch_ angel as a _fallen_ angel these days. You _radiate_ Holiness and Grace. I’m just a lowly demon, made to crawl the Earth. Look at me, I don’t even have legs. If you stepped on me, I would be annihilated from existence. I will take my leave and tell Hell that you are too much for just one little demon.”

“And if you don’t? If you don’t report to Hell?”

Crawly considered this. “Well, I suppose they’ll think I deserted my post. I’m sure, someday, they’d send someone new.”

“Just another messenger, likely. Another little, weak, expendable demon that can be destroyed by the Divine touch of an archangel.”

“I take offense to that!” he cried, though he didn’t at all. “And I don’t like where this is going. Please, let me return to Hell.”

“You will not return to Hell,” said Uriel, feeling mighty and powerful as she towered over the legless and weak demon. “I shall destroy you under my foot and I will do the same for every demon they send to the Eastern Gate.” She raised her foot and stomped it down on Crawly’s neck.

The demon screeched a fittingly unholy sound, his tail coiling and writhing in his death throes. His yellow, slit eyes bulged from his face and his tongue whipped about in the air. Uriel smiled as she ground evil underfoot. 

As quick as light, Crawly twisted his head and sank his fangs into Uriel’s heel, tail wrapping tightly around her calf so that she could not escape. 

The archangel _screamed_ as fire raced through her human flesh, burning through veins of blood and squeezing her fragile heart in a smoldering fist. Her breath escaped in short, anguished gasps as she collapsed upon the Gate and began dying in a horribly mortal way.

Crawly did not dare stop pumping venom into the archangel’s flesh until he felt her ethereal Grace leave her body and return to Heaven.

He released the body and hurried down the other side of the Eastern Gate, disappearing into the greenery of the Garden of Eden. The sunlight that peeked through the trees was warm and forgiving. The grass beneath his belly was cool and dewy. Flowers of all colors bloomed wherever he slithered, and the animals rested peacefully, having never encountered hardship or death. He crawled over a lion and it gave him a companionable lick on his scales, cleaning away dust. Fruits hung from the trees and the waters that ran through the Garden were crystal clear, revealing a world of lazily swimming fish, placid turtles, and snoozing toads. 

Crawly curled up under a pear tree and decided that it would harm no one if he took just a moment to enjoy this tranquility before he jumpstarted a series of unfortunate events that would lead to the expulsion of humans from Eden. He knew that, in the heart of the Garden, grew the Tree of Knowledge. If Adam and Eve ate an apple from the tree, they would gain wisdom which would, in theory, include being able to tell the difference between Good and Bad as well as curiosity. Curiosity would lead them out of the Garden and into the wide, unexplored world. And, really, there was no harm in knowing the difference between Good and Bad. That was important for making choices of one’s own free will.

After camping in the desert and being stepped on by Uriel, he felt he had earned a moment to himself. The ground he laid on was lush and the air tasted fresh on his tongue. Without quite meaning to, Crawly fell asleep.

~::~

“My, aren’t you handsome?” crooned a soft, proper voice. Something was petting Crawly all along his back, sending delightful tingles throughout his being. 

Crawly’s eyelids slid back and he gazed upon this new creature. It was not, from what he knew, Adam or Eve. It was male, he decided. It had white-blonde hair and eyes that were either green or blue depending on how the flickering light touched them.

The male-shaped figure smiled kindly at him, pink lips over white teeth. 

“Good morning,” the figure said to him. “My name is Aziraphale. I am the new Guardian of the Eastern Gate.” His fingers traced under Crawly’s chin, tickling him in a pleasurable way. “I just arrived, actually. I thought I would peek in on Adam and Eve, but I could not resist when I saw you. You look like quite a clever serpent, and your scales are gorgeous.”

The figure’s hands rubbed both his belly and back, so soft and gentle that Crawly felt he might still be half-asleep. The further down those hands went, the more Crawly lifted himself. Without realizing it, his head came to rest on the figure’s thighs. The male wore familiar blindingly white robes. 

“Perhaps you would like to keep me company while I work?” the male asked so sweetly that Crawly writhed in ecstasy. “I feel so terribly lonely.” His warmth enveloped Crawly. The air tasted of sun-warmed stone and love of all things. “If only you could speak.”

“I speak!” Crawly hissed, like it was a miracle and had not been something he had always been capable of.

“Oh!” The male smiled giddily, and his eyes lit up with joy. He cupped Crawly’s head in his two palms and lifted the snake’s head to his lips. The male kissed him there on the nose. “How delightful. I did worry that I would be all alone with no one to talk to for an unbearably long time. Ah…” Now he looked sad, shadows haunting his light-colored eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Crawly asked. Those hands resumed stroking him, putting him into a state of half-mad rapture. “Isn’t that what you want, beautiful?”

The beautiful creature smiled shyly. “You think I’m beautiful?”

“The most beautiful being I have ever seen.” He meant it. “I could stare at you for thousands of years and it wouldn’t be long enough.”

“Only stare?” He looked to the ground and his eyelashes fanned over his cheeks. He appeared embarrassed. “Only that?”

“What more do you want?”

“It’s just – I have been made in Adam and Eve’s image so that they are not put in a state of horror at the sight of me. Now I am in this human body and it’s not quite the same as being an angel.”

“An angel!” Crawly hissed. “Of course. Only an angel could be so gorgeous.” Crawly was upset at his own stupidity for not figuring it out sooner. What else could the male figure be? He did not feel so clever anymore.

“Thank you, serpent,” said the angel. He near glowed from the praise and pressed another kiss to Crawly’s nose. His words were like honey, thick and sweet, as he confided, “It is _so good_ to hear you say so. It’s just – well, this human body wants human things. I’ve tasted the fruit in the garden and it is scrumptious. The fabric of my robes against my skin is wonderfully light and airy. The sun is so warm and loving as it greets me. I’ve seen Adam and Eve… Bless it, I can’t say it.” He sighed wistfully. “I suppose I’ll never know. Adam and Eve were made for each other and none of the other angels will understand. They’ve always thought that I was a bit different. Maybe… a bit too different? I worry that they put me here to get rid of me.”

“They don’t deserve you,” Crawly hissed, and he meant it. “You radiate Good. They’re jealous ‘cause you’re so much better than them.”

“I’m not so sure of that, really…”

“Trust me, angel, you don’t need them.”

“But I feel that I need… _someone_. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you will be a perfectly fine lifelong companion, but my life _is_ going to be very long, and this body can experience so many things that I never felt in my metaphysical form…” 

“What do you want to experience?” Crawly asked. He lazily loped around the angel’s shoulders, tongue flicking across his pale cheek. Of course, the angel tasted _Divine_. And, all the while, those wide palms and gentle fingers touched him, massaged and excited him, made him feel new and lively in his scaly hide.

“I shouldn’t say,” the angel demurred. 

“No, please. I swear I won’t judge. I won’t tell a soul, whatever it is.”

The angel glanced at him coquettishly. “Well… I’ve seen Adam put his penis in Eve and they both seem to enjoy it a great deal. They hold each other very closely and put their mouths together and make such a racket. It _must_ feel… pleasant. At the least.” 

“Decadent,” Crawly near purred for however well a snake could. “Sinful.”

The angel pouted. “You see, that’s why I thought I shouldn’t mention it. I don’t want to get in trouble. It would be terrible if I shared this body with another, gave him all of my attention, cried his name in rapture, and then was reprimanded for it.”

Aziraphale pressed his lips to Crawly’s skull. “It is for the best, then, that you are just a snake and I cannot tempt myself into giving my body to you like Eve and Adam do for each other.” 

Those hands were horribly distracting and Aziraphale’s eyes were magnetizing. His words melted like sugar on Crawly’s every nerve-ending and his affection was more drugging than sunlight. 

He transformed there, sliding from snake to naked man. His chin was perched on Aziraphale’s shoulder and he sat in the angel’s lap with one arm wound behind his neck. The angel’s hands were on his hips, trailing up to trace the new configuration of his ribs.

“Oh!” Aziraphale cried, thrilled. “And you called _me_ gorgeous. You must have been lying. You are so beautiful.” One hand trailed up Crawly’s body, just his fingertips tickling from his navel, up his sternum, touching the line of his throat, and then there, at the corner of his mouth, delicately testing the softness of his lips. His other hand crept up and combed through red ringlets of hair. 

“Not more than you,” Crawly crooned. He had two hands now and put them to use, pulling one shoulder of Aziraphale’s robe down so that he could taste again the salt and sweetness of his skin on a flat human tongue. He moaned as he suckled the flesh into his small mouth, momentarily irritated that he could not unhinge his jaw and taste more. 

Aziraphale gasped. “That _does_ feel good… Please, my beautiful lover, don’t stop… Oh… Ah, but, but I am sorry – what name shall I call you by? When I need to scream a name, what name will it be?” 

“Crawly,” he answered distractedly. He had found Aziraphale’s collarbone and was nibbling on it, intoxicated by how the angel shivered when he did so. “You must be the most handsome angel in all of Heaven,” he swore. “The whole of them together cannot possibly be as tempting as you.” He pushed Aziraphale to the ground so that he could ruck up those pearly white robes and touch the unblemished skin beneath.

“You really do say the nicest things,” Aziraphale moaned. He dragged one of Crawly’s hands between his thighs to what had to be his penis. Crawly had one as well and it was thick and pulsing as it dangled between his own legs. “Touch me here, please, that is _so good_!”

“What else, angel?” Crawly asked breathlessly, running his hand up and down the ethereal being’s cock. “Whatever you like.”

Aziraphale smiled at him, so pure and coy and seductive that Crawly whimpered. “Here,” the angel whispered. He wrapped an arm around Crawly’s shoulders and the other he touched the demon’s cheek. Gently, he drew Crawly in so that their lips touched chastely. “It’s called a kiss,” Aziraphale murmured. “So that we can speak with tongues.” The tip of his dipped into Crawly’s mouth and curled teasingly back out. “So that we can know the shape of each other’s words without speaking them. Isn’t that wonderful?” 

“Yessss,” Crawly hissed, and he dove in for more kisses, each less chaste than the last until their tongues were battling over whose mouth would be conquered. The angel tasted juicy sweet and Crawly recalled him saying he had sampled the Garden’s fruit.

Aziraphale’s legs wrapped around his waist and pulled him close. Crawly had to take his hands away so that he could plant them in the soil on either side of Aziraphale’s head and keep himself from falling onto the angel. This turned out to be a deliciously _good_ thing as his hips thrust against the angel’s and their penises slid against each other, slick and hot and hard. 

Crawly cried out.

“Oh, please,” the angel wailed. “Do it again.”

He did. Again and again and again…

He was trembled, shivering all over, when the angel suddenly pressed a hand to his shoulder. “Wait, please, Crawly, I’m not ready.”

He came to a stop instantly. “Angel?”

Aziraphale kissed his concern away. His hand wrapped around Crawly and pulled the head of his cock down low between the full globes of his buttocks. His hole was wet and gleaming and loose. “I want to finish this way,” the angel all but begged. “With you inside of me. As close as we can be in these human bodies. Is that alright?”

“Yes,” Crawly whimpered. Aziraphale was pressing on him, pulling him into his body, and the tight, wet heat of him was overwhelming. “Yes, yes, yes…” He pushed Aziraphale’s robe up further, up over his chest, and sank down to taste the small, pink nipples that revealed themselves to his ravenous attentions. He sank deep into Aziraphale and pulled at the taut buds with his teeth. The angel all but sang his praises.

“Move, please, Crawly,” Aziraphale begged. “Please, won’t you? This feels so special, as if…” He stopped talking, the air tasting of his embarrassment.

Crawly moved his hips in circular motions, pushing deep into the tight fist of Aziraphale’s body and pulling almost all the way out before sinking in once more. “As if what, angel? Tell me, I wanna know. I do, tell me.” 

Remembering how Aziraphale had liked it when he touched his penis, Crawly used one hand to pleasure him there. He nipped at the underside of Aziraphale’s jaw. Resting against the angel’s body, glutting himself on the pleasures of the flesh, he realized how electrified he was over the softness of the angel’s body, how it cradled him in every way. The angel’s body had been created to please him, he thought. This angel was the culmination of every desire and fantasy Crawly hadn’t even known he’d had. 

As if Aziraphale had plucked the thought from his mind, he whispered into Crawly’s long hair, “I feel as if I was made for you. To be like this with you.” He wailed. “Do that again! Yes, there’s – something, oh, _there_.” Crawly tilted his hips to thrust again in that direction and way that pleased his angel the most. “Oh, do you feel it? Like I was made to pleasure you?” 

Aziraphale tangled his hands in Crawly’s hair and nipped his earlobe. “Were you made to pleasure me?” he asked the demon. “Please say you were.”

“I was,” Crawly swore. “I am,” he promised. “Always.” He had lost all semblance of rhythm, if he had ever had one. All he knew was _tight_ and _hot_ and _more_. He worried he was too rough until Aziraphale grabbed him by his bum and pulled him even closer.

“Yes, more of that. That is what I want. Do I feel good?”

“The best!”

“Will you finish in me? Claim me inside?”

“Hell, yes,” he snarled.

Aziraphale panted into his ear. Crawly latched onto his neck and possessively sucked bruises into the skin.

“Are you venomous – like this?” Aziraphale asked breathlessly. “I only ask – because I – don’t want to be – poisoned!” He groaned, long and low, as Crawly pushed in as deep as he could go and then rutted wildly into his angel. 

“Can be,” Crawly admitted. “I’m not. Don’t want to – hurt you.” 

“Oh, darling,” Aziraphale crooned. “Thank you. That’s so nice to hear.” 

Crawly bellowed as he climaxed, his seed shooting deep into his angel. Panting, he clumsily masturbated Aziraphale until the angel followed, calling Crawly’s name.

Crawly collapsed to the side and Aziraphale rolled over to be half on his chest. He was a welcomed weight against Crawly and the demon wrapped his arms around his angel. He felt boneless and sated to his very core.

“You were so good to me,” Aziraphale was praising him. He so gently freed Crawly’s hair of tangles. “Was I good to you?”

Crawly stretched luxuriously and groaned. “Angel, you _are_ paradise.”

Aziraphale tutted. “ _Really_ , now.”

“No, it’s true.” 

Aziraphale rubbed a hand over Crawly’s chest. “You’re quite the charmer, Crawly.” He pressed a kiss over where the human heart rested. “I expected no less of a demon of Hell.”

Crawly was slow to push through the post-sex haze. “Wait, what?”

Aziraphale swung a leg over Crawly’s hips and perched on top of him. There hadn’t been a flaming sword before, but there was now. He held it high so that the tip was a hair’s width from cindering Crawly’s chest.

The demon stared up at his sweet angel, shocked. Also, grudgingly, impressed.

“You know I’ll just tell Hell to send more demons, right?” he asked. His hands crawled up to the angel’s hips, ready to throw Aziraphale aside. Despite himself, his dick twitched at the sensation of warm, squeezable flesh and he thought vividly of taking Aziraphale from behind. 

“Will you?” Aziraphale drawled. “ _I_ thought you said I was paradise. Would you _really_ share paradise with the hordes of Hell?”

Crawly’s hands spasmed at the very thought. He imagined the Dukes of Hell swarming Aziraphale and it was repulsive. 

Aziraphale smiled, slow and coy. “You don’t want to hurt me, do you? I was made for your pleasure and you were made for mine.”

“You manipulative little bird, you,” Crawly cursed. His dick was definitely interested now. “You played me like a harp.”

“Come back soon and I’ll play you again. Ah – best to keep this just between you and me, though.”

“I have a job to do, angel. You can’t stop me.”

Aziraphale rolled his hips. “Are you sure?”

And then he thrust his flaming sword through Crawly’s chest.

The next thing Crawly was aware of, he was in Hell and the Dukes of Hell were demanding to know what had gone wrong.

“I convinced a cherub to leave her post and then killed an archangel,” he reported, which was all true and could be proven. “After fighting the archangel Uriel, I was vulnerable. Weak. Easy game for the next Guardian of the East Gate.” All true in a sense. Now came the lies.

“This guard must be very powerful,” supposed Ligur.

“I can handle them,” announced Hastur.

“I don’t _need_ backup,” Crawly drawled. They listened to him because he had returned from the Garden of Eden with a sort of loose-limbed confidence none of them were familiar with but believed came from outsmarting a cherub and archangel consecutively. They were wrong. “Issue me another body and send me back up. He won’t be expecting me to come back and I know the lay of the land. I was caught off guard last time. It won’t happen again.” He smiled winningly. “I do so promise, Lord Beelzebub.”

She considered him with pale blue eyes. “Fine,” she buzzed. “If you fail again, I _will_ send another in your place.”

“You won’t regret this,” Crawly said. “Not a bit.”

By a strange turn of fate, he was issued a body that looked remarkably like the last one.

~::~

He slithered up out of Hell, not outside the Gate, but inside the Garden of Eden. It was possible now that he had slithered through before, leaving behind traces of evil. Months had passed since the last time he had seen the Garden, but it was unchanged. Unsullied by time.

As soon as he was topside, he beelined for Eve. He tickled her ear with curiosity.

“It’s just an apple,” he hissed. “A small bite won’t hurt anything.” 

Guileless as she was, knowing that there were consequences but too innocent to understand what consequences _were_ , she went right over and plucked an apple from the Tree of Knowledge.

From a distance, Crawly heard Aziraphale’s voice yell, “NO!”

Eve took a bite. Just a small one. Her eyes opened wide in understanding.

Crawly cackled as he slid into the underbrush.

~::~

Aziraphale watched sadly after Adam and Eve as they left the Garden of Eden. It had not been a snap decision of theirs to leave. Aziraphale had all but begged them to stay, had cajoled and reasoned. Eve was pregnant and wouldn’t do well out there in the wilderness where beasts ate beasts. It wasn’t a forgiving world out there. They themselves would change if they left. They would experience pain and hardship and time and death. They really didn’t know what they were getting themselves into.

Adam and Eve were adamant. They needed to know what was out there, beyond the walls of their pretty cage. They wanted to explore and grow and make their own choices. Aziraphale had said, he had _warned_ them, that they could not come back in once they stepped out.

Adam and Eve dug through the Eastern Gate during the night, as if they hoped to keep their escape secret from Heaven. It was then that Aziraphale realized that they felt they were prisoners. Near tears, he had given them his flaming sword so that they would have protection and warmth. 

He heard the scrape of scales on stones and turned disbelieving eyes on the demon Crawly.

The demon smirked at him. “Hello, angel. Was this what you were expecting?”

“You know it’s not,” he snapped. “How did you get past me?”

“I never had to. Just popped up there in the garden, right where you introduced me to carnal Lust and Greed.” The demon was smug.

Aziraphale scowled at him. “You were supposed to come straight back to me!”

“Oh, trust me, I definitely wanted to. You’ve got me hooked.” Crawly swayed closer. “I’ve thought of nothing but you since you put a sword through me.”

“Then why did you go to her first?”

“Please, angel. I’m a clever serpent, remember? Give me a little credit.” Another step. His breath ghosted over Aziraphale’s face. Those green-blue eyes stared petulantly, without fear or disgust, into his own cursed snake eyes. “You were going to kill me again. Over and over and over and over and over, every chance I gave you. Not clear thinking on your part.”

Aziraphale frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I had to plead my case to get up here a second time, angel. Took me months to get issued another body and the Dukes of Hell were still deciding whether to send me back up after failing just once. So, I got to thinking – I could find you first and then get killed by you and _then_ never see you again… Or I could do my job and get my reward.”

“Well, I’m not having sex with you _now_. Look at this!” He swept his arm toward the distant Adam and Eve. “Armageddon is millennia away now! The next time we see each other will be on the battlefield.” He rolled his eyes skyward. “It will be a _complete_ nightmare. I don’t want to fight. Fighting is the absolute last resort for me.”

“Trust me, I noticed.”

“Is that it?” He rounded on Crawly. “Do you want revenge on me for outsmarting you? Do you want to destroy me in combat?”

He cupped Aziraphale’s chin in hand and tilted the angel’s face up so that he could kiss away his rejection. “I’d like to destroy you with passion, honestly,” he admitted. “That’s all your fault. No one to blame but yourself.”

“I don’t even _like_ you,” Aziraphale grumbled into his mouth.

“You _do_ ,” Crawly grumbled back and stole another kiss.

Aziraphale pushed him away. Thunder rumbled in the distance.

“I don’t _want_ war.”

“Trust me, angel, a _lot_ is going to happen between now and then. You really telling me you don’t want to see what the humans will get up to with free will and all?”

“They had free will in the Garden.”

“Don’t lie to yourself, it’s not a good look on you. You’re too clever for that. How could they have free will when they didn’t have enough sense between the two of them to realize what choices they had? Was it really free will to tell them absolutely nothing and let them roam around in a little box for eternity?”

Aziraphale shuffled uncomfortably in place. “It was peaceful and kind.”

“It wasn’t a choice.”

“Now they can never choose to go back.”

Crawly shrugged. “Is that really so bad? They’ll go out there, make more little humans, and build their own gardens. Build their own lives. Create. Show imagination. They couldn’t do that in the Garden, not really.”

“They named the animals. That shows imagination.”

“It shows tampering is what it does. Like I don’t know that your side gave them a few ideas.”

“Yes, well…” Aziraphale’s shoulders slumped. “They really _didn’t_ have any sense between the two of them. They ate when they were hungry, had sex everywhere, and bathed when I told them to.”

“Like taking care of little humans.”

“Those are called babies.”

“So, it was like taking care of babies.”

Aziraphale raised his wing to protect Crawly from the rain. “They were happy.”

“They didn’t know enough to understand what happy _was_. They existed.” Crawly edged closer, tucking his own wings against his back. “They’re going to go out there, learn about Good and Bad, and they’re going to find things to be happy about.”

“As long as _you’ve_ got it all figured out, then I suppose it’s fine,” Aziraphale mocked. He wrung his hands over his belly. He remained completely dry in the storm. “I _do_ hope they’ll be okay. That this will be worth it.”

Crawly felt his entire being soften. “You really do care, don’t you?”

“I love them,” Aziraphale said. “As if I myself Created them. I can’t help but care. I suppose I should stay on Earth with them, make sure to balance out your evil deeds with good deeds.” 

“ _My_ evil deeds?”

“Of course. You’re a demon and I’m an angel. You will try to cause mischief and chaos and I will foil you at every turn. Keep your enemies close and all.”

“Sure. That’s the story we’re going with. It’s not like you’ll stab me the first time I do something you don’t like. Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t killed me already, you beautiful, bloodthirsty creature, you.” Aziraphale grimaced. Crawly looked about. “Where do you have your sword hiding this time?”

Aziraphale muttered something indecipherable and looked everywhere but at Crawly. 

“Lost it, have you?” Crawly asked, leering. “Or is this another trap?”

“If you _must_ know,” he answered testily, “I gave it away.”

Crawly stared at him, dumfounded. 

“I had to,” the angel reasoned. “They looked so cold, poor things, and she’s expecting _already_ –” The rest of his excuse was lost in Crawly’s mouth. “Will you _please_ stop doing that?”

“We’ve got thousands of years to figure out the whole Armageddon business,” the demon told him. “Humans are going to figure out the difference between Good and Bad for themselves and they’re going to do human things. We can stick around… together, like you said… Balance each other out and make sure they live long enough to see the apocalypse not even happen.”

“You think that you can stop the apocalypse?”

“I think between the two of us, we’ll figure something out. I’m a _demon_ after all, Armageddon’s going to start with my lot. I’ve had a quick glance at the proposal. It involves an Anti-Christ, son of Satan. It won’t be that hard to make sure that the End of Days aren’t _really_ the last days. Especially since your side wants no part in it.” 

“You think that I will help you?”

“You’re pretty clever. I don’t think I could do it without you.”

Aziraphale – he _waggled_. His hips swayed just a tad side to side and his shoulders shimmied. It was definitely a waggle and it was terribly endearing. He gave Crawly a familiarly coy look. 

He had discorporated Crawly not too long after giving him that coy look the last time.

“You absolutely couldn’t,” Aziraphale agreed, none too humble. He wiggled a finger in Crawly’s face. “You better not be planning on manipulating me through my Pride as you did with Jophiel and Uriel.”

Crawly threw his hands up in surrender. “Angel, I think we know that, between the two of us, _you’re_ the one to worry about.”

“I’m still upset with you.”

“It’ll be fine. Trust me.”

“You’re a demon. You’re not trustworthy.”

“I’m _your_ demon,” he crooned. “Remember?”

He was ecstatic to see a blush creep up the angel’s neck.

“See! You do like me.”

“Oh, _hush_.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really like coy and manipulative Aziraphale who effortlessly plays a smooth talking demon like Crowley. I'm mostly inspired by that one scene in the TV show where there's paintball spatter on Aziraphale's jacket and he won't stop whining and pouting until Crowley cleans it off even though he was fully capable of doing it himself. Of course, in that scene, Crowley knew he was being played.
> 
> It is, as I post this, almost two in the morning. If you see any outrageous errors, please let me know? Thank you.


End file.
